I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think I sprained my soul last night
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
