Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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