you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
