my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
