i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
