I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
