walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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