I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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