How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
