I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize