im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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