Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
