Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize