I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
