We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
