Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
