Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
