I murdered the dance floor call the cops
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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