I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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