I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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