I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
