my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
