i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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