Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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