I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
