My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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