He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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