and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
