im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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