Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
