Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
