I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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