I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Randomize
