How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
