im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
