if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
