I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
