I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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