You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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