I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
