Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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