Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
