Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
