i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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