period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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