it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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