Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
