Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
