it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
