I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
