I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
