I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
