i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
