life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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