My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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