The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we're making bets on your personal life
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
