Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize