Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
